So, I just watched the remake of a Nightmare on Elm Street. Those of you who know me know that I am one for the horror movies, I read Rue Morgue and love the who horror thing. I will state for the record that I am no a gore-met (harhar, stolen from Rue Morgue) nor will I claim to be a master of cinema but I like what I like and have fun explaining it. Anyways, on to the movie at hand, a Nightmare on Elm street.
Now, this movie is a big deal for a couple of reasons but here's what I think are the two major ones. One, Freddy Krueger is possibly the most well known horror icon in modern history and two, this is the first time ever that Robert Englund hasn't played him. Now, going into this movie I was feeling pretty sure that Englund's absence would be a good thing and Rorschach, sorry, I mean Jackie Earle Haley seemed like a great fit. No offense to Mr. Englund but I always found Freddy to be too ... there's no nice way to say it, cheesy. Like, I was a couple beers deep going on a few and I needed that to keep me entertained. If you watch this movie can I recommend seeing it with a blood alcohol level somewhere between 0.06 and 0.2? Trust me, it's better that way. I remember watching it as a kid and that scene where Freddy is walking down the alley with both arms stretched so he can scratch the walls with his razor hands was so bad, almost as bad as the dog that pisses fire. His arms were all stretched out like a marionette, it looked comical. This was my first impression of the series but even as a horror fan I'll admit, it's been a long time since I've seem the nightmare on elm street movies so I might be getting the super cheese mixed in with my gruyere.
Still, I wanted to see this new version because I thought that maybe the series would be given a dark and serious tone, possibly even be somewhat scary. Man, was I wrong, this new movie was not only incredibly predictable but it failed to entertain even if you think of it in a pure cheese or not-to-be-taken serious manner. The characters were wholly unlikeable, from the guy with no chin to the blond cheerleader stereotype. These kids all seemed like a gaggle of rich kids who's parents had too much money and ended up in a bad situation. Let's take the blonde girl as an example, at the start her mom has to go away for a couple days because she's a flight attendant. Yet, she somehow can afford a car for herself, another for her daughter and a huge house in what seems like an upscale neighbourhood. I guess this whole movie really is a dream world. So of course, I'm gonna feel bad for the beautiful spoiled rich kid, sorry but they lost me right there. These kids annoyed me from the get go.
Now let's get to the new Freddy, Jackie Earle Haley. I thought at first that he'd make an awesome Freddy. The guy can pull off creepy like nobody's business as proven in the Watchmen. Still, I think he suffered from bad writing, directing, special effects or editing, maybe a combination of all. He didn't come off as frightening and all the "shock scares" were so predictable they lost all their steam. I honestly thought he looked something like a gecko. Maybe I'm not up on my burn victims but his skin seemed so smooth and his eyes were far apart. Maybe most of all was the lack of lips which ironically might be the most realistic damage he might face.
So, I've covered that I don't think the new Freddy was scary but what about the movie? I mentioned the lack of shock scares which are often a crutch of crappy horror movies but the problem was that I felt they were trying for the shock scare. I really don't think I'm so much a horror vet as to call things but the amount I could predict the next move made my movie compatriot ask if I wrote the damn thing. My three favourite calls were... well, two are kind of spoilers. But the first is when the female lead complains about not knowing anything about the male lead so she says "I don't even know you're favourite colour!" and what would you guess the male lead says? Something crazy like red? Topaz? Psshh, like that would happen, we need a nice male affirming "Blue" here. It was so expected and stereotypical that I said it without thinking as this movie time and time again proved it wasn't willing to think outside the box, introduce anything new or even step a centimeter out of convention. Now, someone who reads this might be wondering what my second big call on this movie was (what? people read this? no way!) so I'll post it at the bottom but be warned, spooooiler alert!
In summary, if you go to a Nightmare on Elm Street expecting something a kin the remake of a Texas Chainsaw Massacre, expect to be disappointed. Hell, if you go expecting My Bloody Valentine 3D expect to be disappointed but if you go with a 6 to 12 beers and a friend to crack jokes with much to the annoyance of everyone around you, you're at the right movie.
Thanks for reading,
This is AlexOfAnders and I'm a little above the legal limit.
Spoilers ahoy!
1st spoiler call: They will have to bring Freddy to the "real world" to defeat him.
2nd call: The last 20 seconds will show that defeating Freddy in the real world failed and then the movie ends. Every single one of these movies that I have seen end like this. God forbid that they break these two conventions, how else would be expect the squeals that Jackie Earle Haley signed up for aside from knowing that he signed a three movie contract.
